The Morning Muse

Today is officially day 30 of unemployment for me. I lost my job exactly 30 days ago, unexpectedly. I have learned more than I could have possibly expected, and I have had, again unexpectedly, the best time of my life. I have also re-evaluated certain assumptions and feel that my values have changed. I haven’t gone on any fancy vacations or done anything fancy, but I have felt more connected and at peace than I have been for over 10 years.

Losing a job involuntarily can be a big hit! Losing one without the cushion of a decent severance package can be even worse, though in my case, it’s made better by the prospect of employment insurance (thank God for that!).

But unlike in the past, I have not felt anxious! This, I am sure, is in part due to my new yoga practice (you can read more about that here and here), but even so, I think part of it is the sense of safety I feel living in my own home.

In the past, I felt I was working towards having my own space and getting away from toxic living situations with my parents, so I would obsess about finding a good job that would allow me to do that.

Living in toxic situations, my spending would also be more uncontrolled, driven by the need to find relief from emotional turmoil, something that, in the peace of my own space, I do not experience anymore.

In the last month, I have found that I need very little to be happy. I am so fortunate to live in a country where my healthcare is covered. Yes, my housing expense is significant as a renter, but I live in quite a fancy apartment and could lower that too if I wanted to.

Beyond housing, I need little more! Almost everything is walking distance (though I do have a car at this point, and it’s been a joy to use it over the last month). I have the library for endless books and entertainment. Podcasts, websites, and Youtube add another world of educational opportunities, learning, connection, and entertainment. I can go out for a walk, window shop, go thrift shopping, and prep my meals for the week for a paltry sum.

I can stick to discount foodstuffs, I am not very picky.

Within a fraction of my previous income, I can get by, and not just get by, but thrive!

What I have lost in income, I have gained in time! I suddenly find it’s easy and natural to strike up a conversation with someone sitting in front of me at the library, with a neighbour walking their dog, or with someone also spraying the perfumes at the Body Shop (window shopping just like me). I suddenly feel closer to my community, and life feels sunnier and slower. I have nowhere to go, and I can engage with others, and they seem happy to engage back with me.

I thought all of these opportunities had disappeared! I thought I would never again simply meet and connect with people, and I honestly had assumed it was the political climate. Now I realize I was falsely attributing my experience wholly to political changes and societal changes when in fact it’s just that I didn’t have time. I felt I was under constant pressure to perform and not performing. I had no peace in my life.

That’s another thing: peace. You can use the little time that remains in a day after a day of hard work very well if you’re at peace. But without peace, you’re dealing with a baseline of turmoil that doesn’t allow you to truly relax. You don’t stop and smell the roses in that situation, and even if you force yourself, you’re just going through the motions.

Because I lived in a toxic situation for so long, and because at some point I felt I needed the protection of a circle of friends (who happened to be making more money than I was), I became obsessed with having a high-paying job long ago. Everything I have done since 2016 has been aimed at making money and making more money.

Now I realize that I need very little to live and to live well. I have learned in just the past month that being at peace is a fundamental pillar of living well, and that no amount of interesting friends, great restaurants, nice clothes, or “relaxing” adventures and vacations can replace that. You can’t taste life the same way when you’re not at peace.

I am still going through this shift in values and integrating these realizations. I know that my future is going to be filled with authenticity and peace. It’s helping to reshape my understanding of what I need for the future and expanding possibilities exponentially.

I don’t know exactly where along the way I started to think I needed a very high income. Maybe it’s the toxic home environment I felt I needed to run away from (and to make sure I could support myself so I didn’t have to return). Maybe it’s how little I earned in my first job and how I always felt behind friends, unable to “keep up” socially without going into debt. It’s probably a combination of those and more.

If before I thought $120K was a bare minimum to support myself, I now see that I could live well and thrive off $50K. That opens the door for me to follow my dreams. Even the last retail commission sales job I had paid more than that. Being a dog groomer can pay more in my area. Working freelance and setting my own hours. I mean the possibilities are truly endless.

Of course, some might say it’s more risk, and that’s absolutely true. But now that I have experienced the peace, the utter peace, of the last month, I cannot imagine going back to what was before this.

I don’t know what comes next, but I feel more free than I ever have. This realization of how little I need to live well, and how accessible that is to me, has really changed my mindset about the accessibility of chasing my dreams (more on those in other blog posts!)

I feel like a kid, like I can do anything I want!