The Morning Muse

It’s high time I write about update post about my yoga journey! I write these because I had such a struggle in finding first-hand journals from people on their own personal yoga journey. Instead, I would find lots of preachy articles with impersonal information about why yoga is good, or what the benefits of a certain practice or kriya are. But I find in the age of AI and Google, general information is cheap. On the other hand, specific information from a singular perspective can still add a lot to a person’s “matrix” of understanding, if you will.

So now that I’ve justified my post–where to begin! About a day or two after my last update on my 40-Day Sat Kriya Sadhana, I actually stopped the practice. It was a completely intentional ceasing of the kriya. I stopped after reflecting on why I was doing the practice, and I realized it was for performative reasons. I had reached 40 days in my second sadhana, and I had this sense of “I want to move up” or I want to become an expert, or to somehow rack up the notches that would eventually have me known as one. It was a mix of all of these, but the general sense was (and the truth was) that I wasn’t continuing the Sat Kriya due to a true desire to go deeper with the practice.

What made me reflect on the topic of performativeness in yoga and in my yoga practice was a video from Abiola Akanni on Youtube. Since I am completing an online YTT (Yoga Teacher Training), I have been watching more content for teachers and Abiola’s content is great. It made me reflect on how many parts of my practice may be performative.

I have done a Sat Kriya practice exactly once since then (I think I stopped on Day 43), and it was so, so beautiful, and having taken a step back from it, I really felt like I could sit into the practice and be present with it. It didn’t feel like the chore it had become for me during the Sadhana. It felt fresh, and deep and wonderful. I hope to do many more Sat Kriya sets in my life, and to even return to it as a daily Sadhana when the time is right.

I have instead been doing a lot of Kirtan Kriya. And by “a lot” I mean that I have been doing it daily. It’s a really beautiful and gentle practice, but it is absolutely transformative in its own right. My first Kundalini Yoga sadhana (the kriya to open the heart) was actually where I was introduced to Kirtan Kriya, as it is one of the exercises within the Kriya. It was absolutely my favourite part–so blissful and peace promoting.

In addition to Kirtan Kriya, I have been doing vinyasa yoga and yin yoga daily. I have skipped just one day of vinyasa since my last update, and I was very surprised by how much I felt that skipped day when I got back on the mat. My hamstrings were noticeably tighter from skipping just one day! Skipping that day was also a conscious decision. I had wanted to do the vinyasa flow, but I was exhausted, and I knew that doing it would just be a performative action. I was dying to sleep, I had had a busy day, it was late at night. I would have done the vinyasa and gone to bed immediately. I decided not to do it.

It’s a bit of a paradox for me because on the one hand, my trust in yoga to keep the flame of self-purification going without much input from me has only increased in these months of daily practice. It’s this idea of “as long as I do it, it’s working.” And it is, that’s really how it has been. However, on the other hand, I have come to conclude that there are circumstances that warrant a break. It’s better to get that extra hour of rest and to be more mindful of how I organize my days from that day onward, than to give my 10% to my practice–and resentfully.

I feel that the mental transformation has been continuing at a good pace! I have even been able to start reading some self-help books on trauma that I found far too overwhelming to engage with in the past. I’m able to “stay with” the material, and the knowledge within these books has allowed me to shed a lot of unhelpful beliefs. So now my yoga is not only directly giving me the opportunity to see into myself, it’s also becoming that foundation of inner strength that allows me to go out and get help from other modalities, like reading books from experts on specific personal issues or journaling–things that I honestly found very emotionally difficult to do before.

The result, and I am just realizing this now as I write, has been fresh, real hope in my life. For the first time in my adult life, I have a lot of hope and evidence that things are going to work out, that I have a real chance at living a happy and healthy life. That maybe I don’t heve to carry the hurt with me forever. This realization wasn’t an aha moment, but it’s this kind of assumption that’s taken hold because now when I daydream or think of the future, my dreams are very grounded in my reality. Often now, when I project my thoughts into the future, I imagine me living my own life and having experiences, things or relationships I want… That’s a big change. And to boot, those dreams now seem possible. That’s been the power of yoga. I am not showing up on my mat for no reason! There is a reason; this is the reaosn.

There’s more that I hope will improve! For example, I always assumed my practice of yoga would get my eating under control, but I don’t necessarily feel that it has yet. Though I now eat vegetarian 90-95% of the time, and I know that is thanks to the practice, I don’t necessarily eat less than I did before, and I do still sometimes favour unhealthy treats. This is something I’d like to reflect on more.

That’s all for this update! Write me in a comment here if it makes sense to share. I read and respond to comments.