The Morning Muse

I was on the fence about writing this post because it is in some ways so personal. My thoughts about the topic are still evolving, and I doubt that will stop anytime soon. It’s easy to write and post about inconsequential, impersonal matters, but when you have to put something of yourself onto the page, it seems like a much more precious offering–almost like you should guard it and maybe even charge for it.

But I choose to see this sharing as my little seva, selfless service. I know that throughout the length of my yoga kriya, I really appreciated any comments or experiences shared by others about their journey and their experience of doing this kriya. In fact, as a baby yogi practicing through asynchronous internet resources, I am very interested in the community and sharing aspect–which can be hard to find but posts like this can be a big help.

Three days ago, I finished my 40 day sadhana of this Kundalini Yoga heart opening kriya. I followed along with Yogi Gems on Youtube, and her class also offers a couple of warm-up exercises before the start of the kriya.

This was my first ever Kundalini Yoga kriya, and if you had asked me three months ago if I would be where I am now, practicing Kundalini Yoga and more recently also Hatha Yoga, on a daily basis, I would not believe you. I got here via a massive shift in direction.

Following recovery from a sudden and severe illness, my employer threatened to fire me. Despite feeling more depleted than I remember ever feeling, my body mustered up the energy to feel a constant dread and anxiety. It was to the point where I couldn’t focus on the work I was trying to do well in in order to keep the job that had just been threatened. I had a constant burning anxiety that felt like it could kill me.

I had plans to go see my doctor but it wasn’t going to be for nearly a week! I knew Hatha Yoga could help, but I didn’t have the strength or stamina to physically do it, even the restorative or yin flows. As I was racking my brain for a solution until my doctor’s appointment (I was planning on asking for medication), I think I googled how to open my heart chakra.

I had this intuition that if my heart weren’t so blocked, I might not feel thatintense anxiety.

This pulled up a Reddit thread and someone recommended a link to Yogi Gems’ heart opening kriya video linked above. That was a turning point!

I had followed Kundalini Yoga kriya videos online before and had never connected with the practice in years prior. But this kriya with Yogi Gems was gentle and doable as someone whose physical form was lacking strength. I felt more clear-minded and a little stoned from all the breathing after doing it.

I did different kriyas from her channel every day for about ten days, and at that point, I decided to try a 40 day sadhana. My heart still felt very much blocked, so I settled on the heart-opening kriya and the rest is history, I guess.

I kept track of my impressions and thoughts after completing each day’s exercise in a note on my phone. It really helped to express and articulate what I was feeling after each session, and to reflect on any changes I was noticing.

In the first five days, I felt a big clarifying effect and my anxiety was so diminished just within that timeframe that I never made it to that appointment with my GP. The kriya became like a little ritual and my yoga mat began to offer me a place of calm the more I began to associate it with doing this kriya and entering this state of mind.

Through 80% of my 40 day sadhana, one of the themes was noticing just how much the kriya was stirring up, because yes, a lot was being stirred up. I was noticing the emotional pains hiding within my body, and “airing” blockages. Sometimes it was impossible to actually process certain blockages, but I was becoming aware of them.

And through this increased confrontation with my inner state, I felt shame and humility that in my mid-30s, I lacked the calm and confidence that I perceived so many others to project effortlessly. But I also found I could have grace for myself by acknowledging that my life experiences and my life story may be more difficult to integrate and grow from than some others which are more “conventional” perhaps, if such a thing exists.

I didn’t have a reference point for what the story of my life could look like, as a once third culture kid and immigrant, as an adult from an extremely chaotic and verbally and emotionally abusive home, as someone who still had a very tenuous relationship with my family, as someone whose career was unstable and a pain point, as someone who had had to learn to give up goals and dreams over and over again.

By the end of the first week and through the second week of the kriya, I felt a lot of upliftment and would randomly smile through the exercises. But by day 15-16 it began to feel a little more mundane. I definitely still felt the kriya’s effects and many openings came outside of the actual kriya… This was a revelation for me. As you commit to a sadhana, you will notice energetic changes and expansions outside of the minutes spent doing the kriya.

By week three, I couldn’t believe how quickly the kriya was moving along. Doing it felt even more natural than brushing my teeth; it didn’t take effort or intention to find myself back on my mat, rubbing my palms together, and tuning into my mantras to begin. It was just something I did naturally.

On days 30 and 39 I had emotional releases, so maybe this is when the kriya was starting to puncture those deeper wounds I had kept closed off to myself. But I also began to feel this desire and intuition to strengthen my bottom chakras, which is why I had made the decision to stop at 40 days, though I hope to revisit this kriya again.

Overall, my heart is much less heavy than when I started. This kriya carried me seamlessly through not only the turmoil and toxicity of a threat in the workplace, but eventually to job loss. I never felt significantly moved to any negative emotions. I didn’t have any intense negative feelings (or really even moderate or mild ones frankly). That’s miraculous considering how I was before and how I coped with things before.

Did I turn into a buddha flowing the great compassion outward? Not yet, there’s definitely more work to do, not just on my heart, but on total alignment of the chakras supporting my heart as well.

However, the effects have still been very, very much worth it, and I feel such a tenderness when I think about the support this kriya provided to me. I would absolutely recommend it if your intuition is guiding you towards it.

Not only do I feel my heart is much more open, and I am so much less bothered by events that would normally ruffle my feathers, but my sense of intuition has definitely expanded. I feel people’s energies a lot more than I used to. I can kind of feel if someone is bound up in themselves, or if they are open and flowing. It’s really nice to have that because I can adjust my expectations for interactions.

Overall, I am so glad I rediscovered Kundalini Yoga, and I am so, so happy that the kriya to open the heart centre was my first one! I have now moved on to Sat Kriya, and it’s only day two, so I don’t have too much to report, but I expect this one will clear some of the fear and other neurosis in my lower chakras.

I will plan to write updates as I move along with it!